Tuesday, October 28, 2014

Silent-ish Suffering

I am usually a slight sufferer of invisible pain.

Invisible pain that makes me think that people think I am faking it or melodramatic. But it's real, and it's intense.

If you've never read any of my previous posts, or you don't know me in real life than you don't know that I suffer from endometriosis and adhesions. And when things get really bad, I am in constant abdominal pain and struggle with basic human needs (aka going to the bathroom).

I've had 3 surgeries since 2008 to get relief from the endometriosis and the adhesions. After each surgery, I usually get this period of time when there is zero pain. My days aren't filled with constantly taking large doses of Advil, heating pads and wraps, and I can carry on as a seemingly typical woman. 

And then it slowly starts to get bad. Warning signs start to reappear--my hormones start going wonky, things that were monthly and normal are increase in frequency and severity. It starts to become difficult to leave the house during those times. But I do with intense dread and anxiety.

And then it comes to a time that it is no longer slow, it's a rapid decline. Usually there is an event that starts everything off. For me, it was a Thursday night, I think Texas Tech was playing Okie Lite. I was at my dad's house, lounging and enjoying the ball game. Everything was as normal as could be. Then, out of nowhere, I thought I was going to die. A horrible, stomach wrenching, panic inducing pain raged through my lower abdomen. It took several Advil and emergency narco to make the pain subside. Even then, it took over 45 minutes and the pain never really went away, I just was able to relax.

And now? I'm to the point to were the pain is interfering with my daily life. It's interfering with work, my mindset to do my master class work, my ability to do housework, to even get out of bed in the morning.

I'm heading back to the specialist/surgeon on Thursday. I haven't seen him since my post-op in June 2013. I can't go see my local OBGYN and I am anxiety ridden over the appointment with the specialist.

According to the doctors, Michael and I were supposed to have had a baby by now. I should have gotten pregnant, and there should be a baby in my house or at least on the way. But we don't have one. Not even the prospect of one. It's hard to balance out medical needs versus financial responsibility (and for those of you, DAD, we are fully aware that we'll never truly be able to afford a baby). And it could boil down to needing even more funds to actually have a baby. We don't even know if it's going to be possible for us.

Plus with that, there is added anxiety. Often times when I do not feel well, I get on the Internet and Google things that I shouldn't Google. I did this a few weekends ago and managed to stumble upon a forum of women who have struggled with problems very similar to mine. The got pregnant like they were told, because pregnancy is supposed to fix this. But not for them they tend to have even worse problems---many of them are hospitalized for pain for the majority of their pregnancy. And that scares me to no end.

I've shared with you my story about the invisible pain I am in. Suffering has given me the gift of not doubting someone's pain and suffering. Behind the smile may be pain.

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